For You

The title explains it all... for you.

'For You'

Time...

A memory of the unimagined
Lost in the wellspring of our hearts
A caress...
Brushing away our cares.
Your touch...
So passionate, so tender
A hope once lost...
Now found.

Soul...

A pulse tempered from starlight
Enraptured within the crucible of desire
A word...
Ushering our joy onward.
Your breath...
So delicate, so warm
Moments unfulfilled...
Forever changed.

Love...

A dream of a word bound in an emotion
Enfolded in eternal memory
Made manifest in
Your touch...
Your breath...
Your kiss.

C.

Sometimes Words Fail You...

I admit it, for all my facility with words, they can fail me. Worse, when they fail me, it can have an adverse effect on others, and not the intended result. I suppose that is the irony of what I do and what I am. I can say so much with so little and so little with too much and maybe not enough at all. All I know is that I am better than those words, and should have known better; however, emotion often enters into these things and cause the failure of words. I know better now, but again, hindsight is the ultimate expression of a failure of communication, and as one who knows history, I should know the perils and pitfalls of hindsight.

Still, tomorrow brings hope as it often does... and that is always a good thing.

C.

Summer and Rebirth

Well, summer finally has arrived in North Texas two months late (thank goodness, really, our electric bill was half of last year's this time) and the whole past week and most of this one has shaped/is shaping up to be a scorcher (I think 105 today with heat indexes over 110). Not near as bad as last year, and it is even supposed to get into the mid 90's by Saturday (yay, since I have an outdoor LARP event that day). Even still, the world can surprise you and make the heat of summer fade into memory.

'Rebirth'

All that I have known...

Lost in the quiet of my mind yet
Reborn in tender starlight
Cast gently
From the edge of time
Made manifest in the
Warmth of your
Caress.

All I can see...

Drifts upon currents of space
Revealed in passionate movements
Formed in the ebb and flow
Of the hearts of stars...
Connected by the
Light of your
Soul.

All I am...

Waited at the edge of memory
Borne in the fires of the unimagined
Until these moments
Of wondrous anticipation
Fueled by the light of the universe
Within your
Eyes.

All we are...
Has yet to be written
But rests within the welcoming arms
Of love.

C.

For Thy Right...

I thought I would be posting on the lighter side thanks to doing a little more writing on other fronts, but I had a few thoughts and revisions about earlier essays, sooo... well, I guess I am entitled to change my agenda in the blog now and then :)

The title of the post comes from 'Sonnet #88' by the Bard (that would be Shakespeare, just in case :) and its ending lines, lines which are still my favorite lines from a poem ever: 'Such is my love, to thee I so belong, that for thy right myself will bear all wrong'. I have paraphrased it (and sometimes slightly misquoted it) over the years in essays and random moments, and every time I see it, I have to sit and think of it. I was thinking of those words earlier, thinking of other philosophical content, rummaging through past and realized I had no new spin on the matter. I had to smile a little, perhaps even wryly... maybe it means I finally understand what I had been trying to all along, what I understood instinctively when I read those words for the first time nearly twenty years ago.

I always thought Frodo's words in 'Return of the King' were rather poignant and alas, true: 'How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand, there is no going back?' Maybe, every now and then, you can go back... even if you do understand such things. I know I cannot physically be that person again (nor would I want to), but the person I am can learn a lot from someone I dismissed as far too romantic and hopelessly naive. Of course, he would think me too cynical and pragmatic, so I suspect it is a fair trade.

Have a great weekend,

C.

Top Ten Comic Stories

I just got through reading 'Earth X' again, and thought I would do something a little light in the blog, and might do so in the near future, since I have to crack down and get some writing done for the LARP, and perhaps even for my own sake. Most of these stories are self-contained mini series, and there are a couple of one shots and Elseworlds (naturally) hanging out in this as well.


Top Ten Comic Stories
1) Batman: The Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller (1986): One can almost forgive Miller for trying to revive this story with The Dark Knight Strikes Again because this story is so good, and for its time, so completely different. It ushered in a renaissance in the comics field that lasted probably too long and died with Civil War.

2) Kingdom Come by Mark Waid and Alex Ross (1996): Such an incredible story of the coming Apocalypse weaved into the mythology of the DC universe. While the art was, as always, stunning, the writing by Waid is perhaps the best ever in a comics story.

3) Marvels by Kurt Busiek and Alex Ross (1994): Aside from being a remarkable story, Ross' realistic art changed art in the comics medium and set the bar perhaps too high for the future.

4) 'The Trial of Reed Richards', Fantastic Four #262, by John Byrne (1983): Most current comic fans do not know this story since they were not even a glint in their parent's eye; however this remains one of the most cerebral comics stories ever, one that combines the nature of life and death with stark questions of philosophy.

5) Superman: Red Son by Mark Millar and Dave Johnson (2003): The ironies of this remarkable story about Superman were he a Soviet, not American hero are enough to contain several stories and it is an interesting look into the nature of power during the Cold War and beyond.

6) Crisis on Infinite Earths by Marv Wolfman and George Perez (1986): Wolfman and Perez tried to fix the convoluted DC Universe and succeeded, giving rise to the current forms of Batman and Superman, plus it was a great story, even if constrained by typical plot and art structures of the mid-80's.

7) JLA: The Nail by Alan Davis and Mark Farmer (1998): A story inspired to some degree by the poem 'The Nail' and sets the tone of the story where the world has every hero and villain but one: Superman. The effects of the change are quite interesting, the art is astounding (as Alan Davis is one of my favorite artists), and the end result, well, you should read the story :)

8) Infinite Crisis by Johns, Perez, et al (2005-6): Shorter than the original 'Crisis', this story tried not to fix anything but cleverly expand the DC Universe and force the main characters of the DC pantheon: Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman, to make some hard choices about who and what they are and what they mean. Also some nice bits about Robin/Nightwing... very moving for one who grew up with the Batman/Robin dynamic.

9) Earth X by Alex Ross and Jim Kreuger (2000): Another dystopian world that imagined the Marvel Universe in the 'Kingdom Come' vein, but it was a world that saw the whole world 'mutate' and the major heroes of the Universe caught in the crossfire. The real story was far more complex and intriguing, though I did not care for the follow ups: Universe and Paradise X.

10) Civil War by Mark Millar and Steve McNiven (2006-7): While I enjoyed the series a great deal, I was angered by the after effects (and whether Marvel fixes this or not is irrelevant) and how it portrayed one of my favorite characters: Iron Man. Frankly, Marvel should bite the bullet and let what happened happen. But they will not leave well enough alone, as the history of comics shows.

Honorable Mentions: The Infinity Gauntlet; X-Men/Teen Titans; Gotham by Gaslight; The Killing Joke; Superman: Doomsday; X-Men: The Dark Phoenix Saga; The Watchmen; Green Lantern: Ganthet's Tale.

C.

In at the Death

Such a cheery title I know...

Well, while recovering from a little self-induced stomach issues (eating something I thought might cause some problems, typical), I was able to at least pick up the latest of my favorite author's books today: no, not JK Rowling for all you Lord of the Pre-Teen fans out there :) The author in question would be Harry Turtledove, and the book is the last of his Great War saga, called Settling Accounts: In at the Death. For those of you who do not know this author, Mr. Turtledove is one of the leading writers of counterfactual or alternate history. Most call it alternate history since counterfactuals tend to be non-fiction fiction, while alternate history is considered science fiction. The main difference is that he does not have to site his sources (though he could being a professor of Byzantine History at UCLA). Anyway, so far have been thrilled to read this final book in an 11 book saga spanning a world where the Confederates won the War of Northern Aggression in 1862 and went their own way causing a chain of events that leads to the CSA fighting the USA in the Great War, and in these last books a Second Great War (since the war is unnamed in the book, but for all practical purposes WWII).

While it is not my intent to actually review the book,(especially since I am not finished) I do recommend anything that Mr. Turtledove has written, especially his American History stuff. Indeed, one of his stand-alone books, Guns of the South is one of my favorite books of all time. All this being said, what actually got me to post about was the whole idea of alternate timelines, something I have written a little about and think of constantly. While it is nice to think that our hopes and dreams may not have been forlorn, that those we have lost might live on in another, parallel world, as many of those worlds might be a ruin of hell or the beauty of paradise itself. All it has taken is a misstep, a bullet gone awry or the wrong (or right) words said at the wrong time, and a world could have diverged with ease, creating?

Therein lies the question, this philosopher's search. I have wondered of their validity (and as a branch of history alternate histories are most valid) and of the possible dangers... of fragmenting worlds and souls. I suspect, due to the nature of quantum mechanics and my own philosophy I will have no answers in that accord. The best I can do is enjoy alternate worlds, perhaps write some counterfactuals myself in the hope of understanding the past through different futures.

C.

Twilight Struggle

As usual, time seems to ever catch up with me, even when I am resting. But with a Crossroads adventure day this weekend and another show the next (at least it is just in Houston), my ability to update (more my ability to remember) has faded some. Still, I had a little time last night in between discussions of the coming game to try out a new game called Twilight Struggle: The Cold War. For those of you interested in such genres and the time period in history, this is a worthy entry into the genre. First off, it plays like a board and card game, and I would call it a card-driven board game since the board also determines card strategy. It is also a game of hard choices. Sometimes, in order to influence one country you must sacrifice influence or another event in the other because you have to play most of your cards in the turn, especially in the early turns. The game plays fairly fast, is moderately easy to learn (after 1 turn we pretty much had it down), and is an excellent representation of the time period. Further, all the cards have events taken direct from the headlines of the Cold War, a Space Race component helps you dump bad cards, and if tensions get too high, well... Defcon 1 is not the best option and ends the game. And in a nod to the great Cold War classic 'Wargames', one gets a little advice from Joshua/WOPR in one card :) Finally, the game is also divided into three phases: Early, Mid and Late Cold War, allowing more cards (and more variety) into the game, and some cards do recycle, but some are removed from play after played.

The main downside is that you can only play with 2 players, though I might recommend playing in pairs (as we did) to assist in the strategy and management of the markers. The game is marker intensive, but by time turn 8 rolls around it is a splendid sight to see how the influence is spread around the board (in our game, Europe was more or less a draw, though I had the advantage; we were screwed in Africa; the Middle East was a toss up; Asia was slightly to my advantage, but SE Asia was firmly in the hands of the Communist scum; and Latin and South America, with the exception of Cuba, was a fine example of the Monroe Doctrine).

In the end, I thought this was a great game and a great break from the norm, and I intend to play it a great deal more. If you need more information, I might have a look at the latest Knights of the Dinner Table (#128) for it posts a fine review (and more detailed) of this game, one in my mind that is as entertaining as the Risks, Civilizations, and Axis and Allies of the genre.

I might or might not be able to post before the adventure day, but I will certainly have a report of it by Sunday or Monday.

C.

Wherever The Road Takes You...

Due to scheduling (and shipping) concerns, I have a one day reprieve before I head to Baltimore (which means we get there later and have less time to set up, but what can you do? We all bow to the whims of the Post Office and UPS :) While I am sure money is to be made, the show itself does not excite me as much as other shows... something about it just feels lame compared to others. And the city of Baltimore (at least the parts I have visited) have been alright, simply a general dissatisfaction with the con itself. Of course, if I sold more than just anime-related products we might skip this show and go to ComicCon in San Diego (and still might next year if the scheduling works out regardless), but I suppose we should take the guaranteed sales at Otakon over the toss-up (though likely) sales at ComicCon (I know I'd have more fun, not being a true anime fan anyways). At least the next three shows are in the same state, so a slight break from extensive traveling.

I know I have titled this blog, 'Walking the Long Road' but often times it feels like sprinting and wandering aimlessly combined. On the other hand, the road has allowed me to meet some unique people and I have been to some great places. And every now and then, I have even been inspired. For us types that depend on inspiration, that's not all bad :)

Have a great week and I'll see if I can update from Otakon. If not, the usual Egyptian blessing for the road :)

C.

An End to Love...

How odd that I would blog on the same weekend after not writing for so long. Well, one never knows when inspiration takes you, even if it is a moribund inspiration at best. I had just logged out of Lord of the Rings Online, looked for a moment at my blog, then just started writing. Perhaps I had been mulling over the thoughts of such things, how we sometimes linger on in love even when we should not. I know I am guilty of this, and the romantic part of my will always want to press on even though the reality stares me plain in the face. So maybe this poem is more about me recognising the traits in myself... or I could have just felt like writing... nah, that would be too simple.

'End of Love'

Warmth... the gentle calm of your caress
Betrays little and yet so much
Your eyes, pleasant though distant
A smile tender but waning...
Movements lost in requited passion
Forgotten if only for this moment,
Suppressing this ache of the soul.

Light... resplendent in the face of 'morn
Denies nothing but shields so much
Your words, welcome though trying
An embrace furtive yet unending...
Ecstasy enraptured within fragments of joy
Searing our hearts for but an instant,
Holding fast to this end of love.

Echoing across the void of time...
I am forever haunted by the memory of love.

C.

Making Sense of the Present... or the Future... or Something...

I just got back from my two week or so trip, coast to coast if you will, from Long Beach to Tampa, and getting ready to head to Otakon in Baltimore, at least that is the nominal plan. It has been a little tiring and sometimes fun :)

Of course, being on the road has given me a lot of time to think about the roads I have traveled literally, metaphorically and philosophically. I think I was too tired to really think about such things on the way back from Tampa, but every now and then a stray thought from the present, or was it the future, or the past jumped in? I always wonder about that... where my thoughts come from. Do I just formulate them from the ether of the void, or are they part of a collective past or future undiscovered, a cultural/racial memory if you preferl (actually, the term racial memory, at least in sci fi, was coined by Arthur C. Clarke in 'Childhood's End', which if you have not read, do). I admit sometimes I have no idea where the dreams, the memories and thoughts come from, maybe that is why I have to write them down or explore them in various mediums... admittedly, the blog has been suffering but I am still writing. On the other hand, I wonder if those thoughts are telling me not to ignore some of the things I do best for merely the things I enjoy. Is it selfish to want to write for enjoyment, though knowing my poetry or essays suffer in the short term? I presume it is, but do not care as much. I have thought about the matter, hence my actually writing these thoughts down now, and the odd fragment of a poem or two has rattled around in my brain, so I know what is still lingering, waiting to be explored, though suppressed for more immediate concerns.

I wish I were a better writer in that regard... I wish I could turn it on and off like some do. Usually, if I am writing in one style, the other lacks, and vice versa. I have been working to change that through integration in style, but the road, as many others is trying. Still, most of us writers have to walk such roads, so I guess I am not saying anything too new. As so many (and myself included) have pointed out, it's all been said before. It is just a matter of finding a way to say it in a unique manner. Maybe that is why these thoughts exist, drifting from moment to moment, future to present, past to... well, somewhere one hopes.

I will try and update when I get back from Baltimore, if not sooner.

Take care all,
C.

Not So Abandoned

I think I might be able to start updating some more soon, though I do leave for practically 2 weeks on Tuesday for AnimeExpo and Metrocon, sooo if I get the chance and I am not too tired. A lot of the game writing I was doing has finished up to some degree, though I have some other projects to do as well. Still, I have not forgotten about the blog... much :) though I fear I have forgotten too many of my former readers, and for that you do have my sincerest apologies. I will try and do what I can to make it up to y'all in the future and visit like I should have.

But, like I've said before, just expect me when you see me, prolly easier that way :)

C.

To The New, and Possibly Confused, Reader...

Though I have taken a bit of a leave of blog absence, I would like to take the time to welcome any new readers, since this is mostly an archival site of previous works and thoughts (but with some recent work as well, as is usually noted). I figured I would add this little addendum since I have been giving out this website address in some forums and in person.

As for the rest, A-kon just finished up and I am beat, physically and well, physically. Wound up spraining my knee a little when I decided to walk into a trailer hitch while unloading some product, but overall the con was great success.. High Five :) I am doing some writing for a LARP again (actually a new incarnation of one I wrote for before) and it is taking up a good amount of time, plus I have the summer con season to look forward to.

In any event, to any new readers, welcome and feel free to dig through the archives... for everyone else, I will do what I can when I can as things and time progress.

C.

All Good Things...

Thank goodness for episode titles to 'Star Trek' and the like :)

Seriously, since the convention season is starting to kick up, and I am involved in several new writing projects, I am taking a bit of a hiatus. My original intent with this blog was to save some information from being destroyed and I have accomplished the mission. Of course, I have been able to add some new material and that has been grand, and will do so when I can, but for the foreseeable future I am not going to be adding much. Again, not that I have added much lately anyways, but I wanted to let everyone know what was going on with me. So, I am still writing, just not in a format conducive to blogs, but I still encourage rummaging through the archives and such, since it is still some of the best part of me :)

Take care, and I guess y'all can expect me when you see me.

C.

Whoops

I guess I have been so busy nerding out on Lord of the Rings Online that I forgot to update my blog. Well, I have not done a whole lot, alas, though some new doors have been opened in other ways. More on that another time. This week will be mostly getting ready for AnimeCentral, and I have to leave early Wednesday, so we have to go ahead and get ready tomorrow night. I might be adding a second blog soon, mostly for the purpose of posting some chapters from a book I have been intending to write (if I can get around to it). Needless to say, it will be a lot of reading, so I want to keep it separate from this space.

Though it does not look like it from the schedule, the convention season is warming up, and after June, I will have something like 6 or 7 shows in a row. The extra income will be nice, but it will be tiring, if even a little fun.

Have a great week everyone, and I will try and post as I get the chance.

C.

Spider-Week And Other Ramblings

Well, more and more people will be talking about 'Spider-Man 3' as the day draws near. I have to admit, even with the wimpy Topher Grace playing Eddie Brock, I am still looking forward to my favorite late 80's/early 90's bad guy, Venom. I think I am supposed to go see the film with my sister at a midnight showing but one never knows.

In further nerd news, I started playing the Lord Of The Rings Online game, and aside from some small hiccups that new games have, it is not too bad. I prefer it over Warcraft based on setting, though I am told the controls, quests and other details are similar. Well, go with what works, I suppose.

Everyone have a good week and enjoy the new month... I will try and post something with a little more substance soon.

C.

Shore Of A Midnight Sea

I actually wrote this on the way down to Houston, since at a busy show (as this one has been) I rarely have time to write. Still, considering what has been going on during the week, and the fact I had been writing about my thoughts and path in this life, I wound up writing a little, and wrote something of a metaphorical piece for all the roads I have traveled and certain influences in my life... nothing specific though. Simply the people and places I have known and perhaps will know.

'Shores of a Midnight Sea and Other Ponderings...'

My love waits upon the shore of a midnight sea...
In such resplendent dreams I never knew.
She yields to moments unremembered,
A time, a place that would never be.

My love rests in the quiet of seaside towns
Lost amid the solace of shifting tides.
She embraces the distant, fragile winds
A heart, a life forgotten without a sound.

My love suffers all I have known,
Wandering the sterile wastes at world's end.
She forgives the roads I have traveled,
A fate, a man yearning for the calling of home.

My love waits upon the shore of a midnight sea...

C.

Change Of Pace

Thankfully, I leave for Houston in an hour or so. The change of pace back to an anime show will be nice and I get to catch up with a few friends I have not seen in a bit. Still, I do have about 3000 pounds worth of anime swords that should be waiting for me at our hotel to be transported to the convention center. Fun, fun, fun. But it will be nice to get away for the weekend and perhaps even make some money :)

Oh, I should have wireless internet where I will be staying, so I should be able to at least check in (not sure about updating) this weekend some. But if not, have a great weekend all.

C.

Reckoning The Path I Have Chosen

The funeral was today, and the service was typical of what some might expect for my part of the world. A lot of Bible verses and praying, a fine eulogy from my father (who was the eldest son), and some uplifting but sad music. It was no less or more than I expected...

When you see the world in ways the general populace does not, cannot, or will not see, you have a different view on the traditional end of things, and by traditional, I suppose I mean solemn occasions, or at least the ones we have made as such. As time drifted and listened to the words of the chaplain, my father, and others, I felt myself removed from the outpouring of sadness and emotion. Sure, I could be comforting, and was so, but I felt so distant, detached. And I am fairly close to most of my relatives, though some I had not seen in some time, but it was not like before, though this event was expected, not sudden and thrust upon me. I even felt more emotional when my grandfather died, even though I knew him far less than my grandmother. I suppose perhaps, like I mentioned in the prior post, I have accepted things as they are, and can perceive something of the unimagined that awaits.

As one who understands their path is to seek to understand, to learn why we are the universe made manifest, I know now why few try and understand such things and simply live their life without questioning. To step outside of mortality is to step outside of passion, joy, pain, and fear. In some ways, understanding makes one leave emotion behind. I have seen it in some philosophers and academics, and wonder if some of my passion, something I thought I really needed in my life, has been altered... become the desire for truth and knowledge. But where has love gone? Has it faded?

I stood dispassionately amid the sorrow and realised how lonely the path I have chosen truly must be.

C.

Illusion Of Mortality

On a personal note, my grandmother, after a terribly long struggle with clear-cell cancer (forgive me, but I forget the actual name of it) passed away yesterday. While, of course, I am sad at her passing, I cannot help but be relieved that she is no longer suffering, for she had basically wasted away to nothing in the end. If I am unable to get to everyone this week, I do apologise in advance, for dealing with the funeral plus having to go out of town later in the week will make it busier than normal. I suppose, in that, it is good.

While the events of the preceding day helped urge this post onward, I had been thinking about this for other reasons, especially with the reminders of mortality in my home, art and photographs mostly, but a pervasive sense of such things seem to creep around this place. Maybe even around me. I often wonder if the illusion is our mortality and what awaits is the real journey, not that this is insightful at all, since so many before me (and I am sure after as well) have their views on afterlives. My thought is the wonder if it is all the extension of the same life... no before, no after, just differing fragments of the same soul, and perhaps we are just not evolved enough or perceptive enough yet to discern or handle the actual reality. I think that some might be able to perceive a little of it, some of us (like me) can perhaps imagine it, or at least explain an imagining, and some are so connected they seek to get to that reality as quick as possible.

I think that mortality is comforting in a way, too. We know that whatever we have experienced here will end, at least in the way we conceive it. And for some that is simply the way it is and always will be. For some, they must have the darkness of hell or the wonder of heaven. Others are simply reborn, sleep, or fade into dust. Others move on and take the next step, maybe even a necessary step to a higher consciousness. So much in this universe is unexplained and unexplored. It would be a shame to waste the knowledge, the material on an illusion of finality. Now, this does not mean I am excited or looking forward to my transitional stage, for I know the heartache that would be left behind, but I am comfortable with the inevitable. I may not be able to understand all aspects of the journeys I have undertaken beyond anything but fragments of dreams of worlds forgotten, but I still have time (as we understand it) perhaps to seek to understand, as I have always tried to do, or have done :)

C.

The Ever Popular Blame Game

I commented in the introduction to a poem once, 'We are all to blame for the world we have created' ('Kingdom of the Blind' for those that wish a reference). Of course, some are more to blame than others, since their job seems to be to deflect all responsibility toward others and not themselves. The worst offenders are, to my jaded eyes at least:

1) Hollywood: They manufacture 'entertainment' (some of it good) and raise otherwise troubled people (actors) to the level of small gods, and never accept responsibility for their conduct and perception they give off to the world. But they will buy you off if they can, especially if it is the crisis du jour or ribbon of the month.

2) Media: They create the news that is fit to print or report without clue or fact, instead reporting 'good facts' and making them sound like 'true facts' (Babylon 5 fans should get that reference :) Indeed, it is the modern world of parasitic journalism that skews perceptions so badly that one cannot even stomach watching, reading or listening to these modern courtiers begging for the leftover favors from kings.

3) Advertising Executives: What? They are only the messengers, proving to the world what really sells and what we really want to be sold. I mean, who wouldn't want a body spray that will cause dozens of hot women to assault you randomly on the street, in grocery stores, or secluded island locales? And they would still sell tobacco on the air if they could... heck, they would sell nukes for air time if it were legal. Me, I would rather have the nuke than body spray, but I am a war-mongering apocalyptic that way :)

4) People: We're idiots to consume all the hype we are fed, and we just love to watch it all fall apart. The average person would rather sit around and watch the latest celebrity scandal, 'Lost' (admittedly a good show at times), 'Grey's Anatomy', 'Desperate Housewives' (hmm, maybe ABC is to blame), 'Surviving Dancing With Surreal American Road Rage Real World White Rapper OC Idol'... and live coverage of people dying than face reality. Escapism, thou art our altar upon we prostrate ourselves... and I am as much to blame too. I would rather roll dice or write or game... anything but listen to the drone and buzz of what we have created.

Needless to say, some of this was meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but far too much of it is sad and true. Call it a little of both and take it as what you will, and perhaps a preview of things to come (a very, very distilled version of some essays/writing for the future).

C.

btw, I failed purposely to include governments... I didn't want to be too obvious :)