Excerpts From A (now) Uncluttered Mind...

Well, Mom has come through her surgery ok, and appears to be doing quite well, though I think she over did it today.  Still, she should be fine unless somehting unforseen comes up...

It has been a fairly long week, though not as tough as some, but mostly dealing with helping my Mom out while she has been out for surgery.  That was mostly from worry, because I am happy to help family out when they need me... story of my life, to be fair.  Regardless, one gets random thoughts about all the strangeness in this life and it starts to clutter up the noggin some. So, I figured, in lieu of being particularly poignant and/or obtuse (which, regrettably, can happen simultaneously... what's the point of being poignant when no one gets the point... *sigh*), I thought I would clean out some of the mental debris that has been accumulating during this week.  Also, I have a couple of writing projects I have been alternately stalling and starting on (these things happen), and the mere exercise of doing this helps now and then... 

So, some random thoughts but not necessarily random in purpose...

So, am I going to see some of that 170 million spent on the 'national celebration'?  If not, why wasn't I invited? (and it's not a question of whether I would go or not, it's the principle of the thing :)

Though it's rather cold, ice cream sounds good at the moment.

Since the new president is freezing White House staffer's salaries of over 100,000, does that mean he is taking the job pro bono(since his salary is around a quarter of a million a year)? And what if you were making 98,000... do you get the shaft, or would you be one of those real troopers and take the hit for the good of the nation?

I think Congress should follow the White House's lead... most of them don't need the money either.  If they all did it, in a couple of years we could just pay off the inauguration :)

Why is it ok to take back all the wonderful things we say in love, but it is never possible to take back some of the horrible things we might say in anger... I might argue the sting from the words in love can be worse.  How arrogant we are in the passion of love. (note: guilty as charged, and if you think you are not... then you have never been in love)

We are all responsible for the mess we have created... I wonder if the stain on our souls can ever be cleansed.

I really hope the Steelers don't get a 6th Super Bowl ring... Steelers fans are bad enough... yes, I know, so are Cowboys fans, but I am not one of those Cowboys fans.

I need to be back on a beach...

(Am I the only person that thinks in parantheticals?)

Strange, I really know what it is like to be a pebble trying to stop an avalanche... worse, when you see it so clearly, and you know what is going to happen and have no way of stopping it... feeling powerless against the tide of history is a relatively normal occurrence for me.

The saying goes, 'you are only as old as you feel'... today, I don't know how old, or young I feel... but, I was always old, sooo...

Hmmm.... still a little cluttered, but less so than this morning.  It's a start...

C.

Two Journeys

I had thought about being a little depressing, perhaps complaining some about the Cowboy's dreadful loss against the Saints (and I like the Saints too, so not too mortified... it could have been the Eagles or Redskins). It often happens and I had a little bit of malaise concerning some family issues, but I am determined to let it roll and instead post something that is somewhat dear to me,while still appealling to my inner nerd and those who are inner nerds, especially Star Wars fans. What follows might appeal to sci fi fans in general, but this is mostly a misty memoir about watching the Saga with my brother and other family over a span of nearly 30 years. It also chronicles my journey in relation to the movies, in a sense what I was doing and where I was going.

In the end, it is a bit sentimental and perhaps overblown and a little personal; however, Star Wars was and is a major influence in my life and explains a few things :) I wrote this piece around the time of the last film, and as the 30th anniversary approaches, I thought I would post this.

And looking back on how things have gone, I am not sure I would change things... much.

'Two Journeys'

Not so long ago,
Dreaming of galaxies far away...

So young and naive, barely a child
Reaching toward something so amazing,
Real and imagined, borne of heroes
And hope...
The triumph of good, knowing it would
Always prosper... always vanquish
Evil.

Brothers and friends rebelled against
An empire of bedtimes, watching one last time,
Winning another fantastic battle, bred from
Endless summers...
We waited for another triumph, fearless
As youth can be... not understanding
What was to come.

Fathers and Sons tried to understand
How to redeem each other from their own
Fall from grace, tempered by unenviable
Pain...
I held fast through the suffering, believing
As an innocent would... triumphant in survival.
Evil would not wait.

Facing adulthood, still a tad naive,
Traveling from a continent to another,
Real beyond words, torn by images
Of death...
What was good did not prosper, not in that
Cruel, terrible place... understanding
What fear really was.

So young and naive, just a child
Reaching back to a mother's love,
Warm and real, but lost hidden in a realm
Of fear...
Good had its triumphs, hoping it could still
Prosper... Evil, though,
Could wait.

Love and lovers reveled as they often do,
Spurning empires of reality, dreaming another Time,
Ecstatic in fantastic moments of desire, born
From Love's ideals...
We embraced what could not end, confident in our
Goodness... not realizing how quick
It fades.

Triumph and tragedy become such a blur,
Defined by moments, some real... others imagined,
Though still yearning for something so amazing
Yet always beyond our grasp...
Heroes and villains, darkness and light...
A choice... not understanding
The source of one's fear.

It all comes to a close...
I remember being so young and hopeful
Not so long ago,
Still dreaming of a galaxy far, far away...

C.

One Last Poem

I normally take a little time to explain many of the poems I post, which helps some, to the chagrin of others. Well, I have a lot to say about this piece, why it was created, and most importantly, who it is for. Some that actually know me (or might have read this in my writing portfolio on another site) will understand immediately, but I do feel the necessity to offer a little background, and how things have changed since I wrote this poem, some five years ago.

Thanksgiving, 1996, or I should say the day after Thanksgiving, as I had to work the actual day, was the last time I really spoke to my brother. I would see him briefly on Christmas, but we did not say much, and he was already celebrating. I do not recall much of what we spoke of... football, the upcoming Star Wars Special Editions, art, the usual... when we did talk. The best thing I remember was that he was smiling and laughing, but Jerry always had a smile or joke for someone, and a magnetic personality that drew others to him. I can charm a person or two with my conversational skills, Jerry could charm whole crowds with his laugh. In many ways, we were polar opposites. I was the cerebral, responsible one; he, the prankster, the comic, fun loving one. Even as athletes, we were opposite. I was lean, playing basketball, he would play football and baseball (but as a lumbering catcher). By 1996, physically, we had caught up with each other, I being not so lean anymore, he mostly the same, though finally a little taller than I. By 1996, we did not speak so much, though he was always supportive of family, showing up at my wedding, always playing with our younger siblings (getting them into trouble when I was watching them, straining things further when we were teens), the first to get a beer for relatives. Again, I relished my stoicism and intellectualism, Jerry simply relished and reveled. In the end, he was a fun person to be around even if the conversation was lacking. We were both passionate though. He about his art, me about writing, though our temperaments kept us from collaborating in comics, which was what he was best at. He was an incredible sketch artist, and I still have many of his works, as do my parents and siblings (my favorite being an Iron Man piece he did for me back in high school). He would have been a remarkable artist, far greater than me as a writer.

No one would ever see how great he would be as on January 18, 1997, Jerry passed away suddenly, from a combination of alcohol and a pain killer he was apparently allergic to. It basically shut him down and he went to sleep. Needless to say, the next week was a numbing blur and I could not fathom how my Dad got by, especially when he gave Jerry's eulogy, one of the most moving things I had ever heard, and did not stumble throughout it. His strength at that moment was astonishing, and all my strength... I realized how little I had, but did not know how it would affect me in the coming years. I was not his pall bearer, but so many of my relatives and his friends wanted that honor, I felt it right for them to do so. I watched, barely commenting at all as he was interred and waited. I thought I would have something to say if I was the last one to leave the grave site. I was, but I did not. I left, running away as best I could. In the end, the heartache and the pain would catch up with me, and the effects of which would cost me friends, and to some extent, my marriage (but like many marriages, it was a combination of things). The fact remained that I could not (or would not) face his death, and all that was left unsaid. One night, around this time of year, five years ago, I did. I started writing, thinking of all that I needed to say about our life that was.

Since then, this poem changed me as a writer and changed how I viewed my family and life in general. I saw what I was missing (still see what I am missing at times), and knew I could not take it for granted. So what I have tried to do, at least that is my hope, is to honor his memory and legacy as an artist by becoming the writer I am. The following poem is as much a memorial as it is a beginning, our life that was and my life that may be.

'One Last Poem'

One last poem
One last little verse
A few simple words
Or a mere hint of a rhyme
Would that be enough
To forget that winter’s day?

We hardly saw eye to eye
even in that distant world
those resplendent summers where
we seemed inseparable,
and time forgave us for our innocence
but we did not care nor need to.
Games and toys and films of places long
ago and far away
let us linger for as long as we could
without worrying what had to be…

They caught up with us
and made decisions instead of asking
Not really selfish but focused on
doing the best with what they had.
Understanding had to wait.
We held on but it cost us
forging a false jealousy I never could
comprehend,
Tearing at the fabric of our hearts
Those wounds took too long to mend…

One last poem…
One last little verse
A few simple words
Or a mere hint of a rhyme
Could that be enough
To wish this heartache away?

A wedge became a rift and
seeing each other seemed
trying, making speaking even worse.
Sure we were older
and commitments got in the way,
but too much became unsaid.
Others tried to stand in the path
Leaving us to shuffle and avoid
Frustrating, giving in
Thinking we would have another day…

I did not say much on that bone chilling morn
A numbness overwhelmed what was left
in my heart
not even noticing the rip in my soul.
This blank shell of a man faced
with that piteous lifeless stare
crushing my spirit for how long,
I did not care.
You always thought I had strength.
Not then…

One last poem…
One last little verse
A few simple words
Or a mere hint of a rhyme
Should have been enough
To bring comfort on that day…

Waiting till they were gone
And it was just you and me
Had to say something,
A word maybe two.
Just a reminder of our life that was
Yet thoughts of the words
Did not become a sound.
The anguish and burden too much
And instead of moving on
I moved away…

Five years gone
Thousands of tears shed
would think so much has changed...
Not really, yet
All that I needed to say I finally can
No help from others running my life.
The rift healed, alas too late
wondering if saying then would
Have changed all that was.
Except maybe I could have
Said this on that day…

One last poem…
One last little verse
A few simple words
Or a mere hint of a rhyme
All that I would give
For my friend that I lost
The brother I still miss.

C.

Tuesday Thankfullness

As it nears Tuesday again, Janet has another Tell It to Me Tuesday at http://www.theartofgettingby.com/ this one on what and why we are thankful in honor of Thanksgiving. She asked for 5 items and that we give some explanation of each. (I was going to do a similar post on Thanksgiving and a Thursday Thirteen to follow up my previous one, but I can do most of the post a few days early... no problem :)

1. My family- I know it is perhaps one of the most obvious answers for all of us, but I am always glad for the time I spend with most of them, not matter how trying they may be... and I am sure I try them as well. Still, nearly 10 years ago I lost my brother (and had planned to post something about him on Thanksgiving, which was the last time he and I really talked before he passed), my only natural sibling (the remaining 10 are halves and steps, but I love 'em all the same), and while I have moved on, his death reminds me to be thankful and appreciative of the time I have left with the rest of my family. Anyway, more about this on Thanksgiving.

2. My health- Again, another obvious answer, but I am rather lucky to have my health at all, having survived 2 excruciating neurosurgeries, one just to save my life and repair my damaged right frontal lobe, and the other to repair my skull fracture (which involved replacing most of my right forehead with a plastic plate). On top of that, I had to endure 2 shunts (and if you've had one, you know how painful they are) and around a dozen or so spinal taps. And this happened when I was 10. So every day since then has been a bonus.

3. Connections- This might seem a little strange, but I refer to the connections that are sometimes only possible in the Internet age. It is an amazing thing to connect with people all over the country and the world, even with those who may or may not agree with me or share my interests (I like to call those people Philistines, lol ). We are all the same and yet so different... so fascinating and wonderful.

4. History- Without history we cannot understand who we are or where we are going, again obviously so, but true. And the tragedy is that so many of us do not learn, but I am thankful for the opportunities history has afforded me to learn what needs to be changed and how to change it, whether I am in a position to or not.

5. Poetry - Without my affection and affinity for poetry, many of the good things in my life would not have happened. It has made me the hopeless romantic that I strive to remain, and has helped me understand my pragmatism and at times, cynicism. And most of all, it has helped me become the man I am, for good or for ill.

Ok, that should cover it... Again, some more posts forthcoming this week, and a special one for Thanksgiving Day itself. (and I'll try and refrain too much from football :)

C.

The 100

Sorry, no room for another 4300 :) (little joke for those who have seen The 4400)

As seems commonplace on blogs and other mediums, (I did something similar in my old journal) I have decided to give my many fans (crickets chirping in the distance) a number of things about me that are completely unremarkable but possibly interesting for those that find such things interesting. I have to admit I am a fan of such lists, so I give you such a list. Since 100 or so seems to be the appropriate number, (I suppose I could have waited to my 100th post, but I decided to get this out of the way) here are 100 things you should or should not know about me.

1. I'm left-handed (for the most part)
2. I have horrible handwriting, even when printing. You don't want to see my cursive (I haven't written in cursive in I don't know how long)
3. The first football game I remember is Super Bowl X (Dallas-Pittsburgh, 1976)
4. Reportedly, my third and fourth words were 'Go Cowboys!'.
5. The first movie I remember seeing was 'Star Wars', though I think my parents took me to see both 'The Muppet Movie' and 'Rocky' before that.
6. The first movie that gave me nightmares was 'Alien' (I was 6).
7. My favorite movie of all time is 'The Empire Strikes Back.'
8. My favorite book of all time is 'The Stand' by Stephen King, followed closely by 'The Guns of the South' by Harry Turtledove.
9. My favorite non-fiction book is 'In the Wake of the Plague: The Black Death and the World it Made' by Norman F. Cantor
10. Though I love medieval history, I am really unfocused, studying plague history, religious history (both of which do crossover into medieval, true), and military history.
11. I have a minor in Space Science and were I not math-illiterate, I would have gone into the sciences.
12. I love maps (which translated into a Geography minor).
13. I enjoy politics, but never had the stomach to get into it, aside from a term in the Student Senate in college.
14. I have been behind the Iron Curtain, but just barely, mere months before it all collapsed.
15. The best museum I have ever been to is the Hermitage in what was then Leningrad (I've never been to Paris, so I can't say the Louvre, regardless of reputation).
16. I have never been to Western Europe (unless you count 2 days in Finland to wind up my trip to Eastern Europe).
17. I have traveled to and/or through every state in the contiguous USA except Kentucky and Maine.
18. Though there was a great deal of anti-American sentiment the second time I was there, a part of my heart will always belong in Australia.
19. My ideal retirement spot is a stretch of coastline in South-West Australia.
20. I have spent almost three consecutive days on a train. (the India-Pacific between Sydney and Perth)
21. I have had my car searched for drugs at a Canadian border crossing (they thought I was smuggling pot from Mexico because of my Texas plates).
22. I have difficulty with the smell of tobacco (maybe a mild allergy perhaps).
23. I've lived in my car.
24. I waited tables for almost 2 years.
25. I have a fondness for theater, having acted, directed, produced and pretty much did everything at one point except costume design.
26. Before I sold anime stuff, I helped my family sell sports cards.
27. I was married for about 5 years once.
28. I've now been divorced for about 5 years.
29. I prefer the term 'certified pre-owned'. Sounds more official.
30. I taught myself to read at age 3 (thank you Sesame Street)
31. I didn't write my first short story or poem until I was 17.
32. I won an award (the National Association of Children's Bookwriters or something like that) for my first short story... which looking back, wasn't all that good.
33. I am my worst critic, as most writers are.
34. I don't like to use the word 'believe' or 'belief'. To me it is the first step to fanaticism. I would rather use the word 'think' or 'thought'.
35. I grew up Independent Baptist (hence my views on 'belief').
36. My favorite television show is still 'Babylon 5'.
37. Growing up, my favorite show was 'Star Trek', old and TNG.
38. I love roleplaying games and used to game constantly.
39. My favorite song of all time is 'Piano Man' by Billy Joel.
40. My second favorite song is 'Blue Eyes' by Elton John.
41. I have seen them both in concert separately and together.
42. I wish I could have seen Johnny Cash in concert.
43. My favorite concert is easily Billy Joel/Elton John (at Texas Stadium, April 1995).
44. My favorite musical/play is 'Phantom of the Opera'.
45. I love quotations.
46. I grew up a giant comic fan, and still read them now and then.
47. My favorite comic story is 'Batman: The Dark Knight Returns' by Frank Miller.
48. I still prefer Superman over Batman, but only slightly.
49. My favorite roleplaying game is 'Star Wars' (shocking, I know)
50. I have been roleplaying (though mostly game mastering) for almost 20 years now. 2007 will mark my 20th year.
51. My favorite non-Star Wars/Lord of the Rings movie is 'Almost Famous' (I prefer the Director's cut called 'Untitled'.
52. My favorite album (what not a favorite MP3 playlist?... what is this word, album?) is 'American IV: The Man Comes Around' by Johnny Cash.
53. I am both a cat and dog person.
54. I have owned more cats and dogs than I can count.
55. Cats, even strays, like to hang around me.
56. I am considered depressed, but not bi-polar.
57. I have a large number of siblings, and the oldest.
58. I lead a very parenthetical life (really, it's true).
59. I used to fence, preferring foil and sabre over epee.
60. If I had a philosophy, I think it would be deistic multi-dimensional reincarnationist. It worked from the Minbari (from 'Babylon 5'), though deism is more 18th century Enlightenment than late 20th century science fiction.
61. I understand the difference between the Jesus of history and the Jesus of faith.
62. While I feel we soften words too much and argue about semantics, I am still far too diplomatic for my own good.
63. That being said, I have found it hard to be diplomatic when it counted most.
64. If I could drop everything and go 'Out There' (out there being space and beyond), I would.
65. While I prefer the Jedi Code, the Sith dress better (and I prefer darker colors myself).
66. I wear sandals whenever I can, meaning I've worn socks twice in the past 2 calendar years (which you can do in Texas, even in winter).
67. The last time I wore tennis shoes regularly was on my last trip to Australia. Unless you are on a beach, it is really, really hard to hike in sandals.
68. I hate wearing blue jeans... shorts and slacks (usually khakis) for me.
69. Even though I love Australia and grew up in the D/FW area, I despise the heat.
70. I much prefer the cold, even if it means I might have to put on socks.
71. My eyes sometimes change color, but they are mostly blue (usually a light blue, but sometimes dark, sometimes a dark green, occasionally gray).
72. I lettered in varsity basketball in high school.
73. I have had three excruciating surgeries, two of them neurosurgeries.
74. The first neurosurgery saved my life. The second replaced the right half of my forehead with plastic (this happened over 20 years ago, when I was 10).
75. Because of said surgeries, I have failed three military physicals, the only thing that ever kept me from serving my country (though it was a near thing the last time).
76. It also kept me from playing football.
77. 'The Imperial March' is one of the great instrumental themes of all time.
78. I have had season tickets twice to the Cowboys and three times to the Rangers, all in years they stunk.
79. And I gave up my seats the day Nolan Ryan pitched his last no-hitter so my brother could go to the game.
80. No matter how many times I hear it, the words, 'No Luke, I am your father', still sends chills up my spine.
81. I prefer the Bob Seger version of 'Turn the Page' over Metallica's version.
82. I agree with Dilbert in that when something like the Holodeck is available, civilization as we know it will end (if it doesn't before then).
83. Perhaps the best poem I've ever written is my least favorite to read... a piece I wrote on the 5th anniversary of my eldest brother's death.
84. I still have trouble talking to my Mom and my sisters about it, mostly for their sake.
85. I always wanted to be on 'Jeopardy'.
86. Though I love writing, I am not a very disciplined writer. Perhaps that is why I write so much poetry.
87. I have serious trouble rhyming.
88. While I love music, I cannot sing, except as part of a choral group.
89. My favorite comic strip was the always funny 'Bloom County'.
90. It's the one with Opus the Penguin.
91. While I enjoy the history of languages, I cannot, for the life of me, learn them. I am better at reading them, and even that is marginal.
92. I prefer a nice cabernet over white, perhaps a bottle of rose instead, but only at Italian restaurants :)
93. I love westerns and war movies, and most any historical movie. I tend to see them regardless of reviews.
94. My favorite westerns are 'Dances With Wolves' and 'The Outlaw Josey Wales'.
95. My favorite war films are 'Glory' and 'We Were Soldiers', though the first half of 'Full Metal Jacket' is phenomenal.
96. Arthur C. Clarke and Isaac Asimov were two of my big influences growing up, though my dad tried to steer me to Jack Vance.
97. Most days, I would rather have a nice conversation.
98. My mom always told me I could always 'catch more flies with honey than vinegar'.
99. Even if it annoys them, I always hold the door open for women (assuming I get to it in time). Simply the way I was raised.
100. I can't be anything more than I am at this moment, even if I do look to the future too much.

Well, this should cover it. Anything else I will probably get to eventually, or just ask. I might even give an answer that makes sense. :)

C.