The funeral was today, and the service was typical of what some might expect for my part of the world. A lot of Bible verses and praying, a fine eulogy from my father (who was the eldest son), and some uplifting but sad music. It was no less or more than I expected...
When you see the world in ways the general populace does not, cannot, or will not see, you have a different view on the traditional end of things, and by traditional, I suppose I mean solemn occasions, or at least the ones we have made as such. As time drifted and listened to the words of the chaplain, my father, and others, I felt myself removed from the outpouring of sadness and emotion. Sure, I could be comforting, and was so, but I felt so distant, detached. And I am fairly close to most of my relatives, though some I had not seen in some time, but it was not like before, though this event was expected, not sudden and thrust upon me. I even felt more emotional when my grandfather died, even though I knew him far less than my grandmother. I suppose perhaps, like I mentioned in the prior post, I have accepted things as they are, and can perceive something of the unimagined that awaits.
As one who understands their path is to seek to understand, to learn why we are the universe made manifest, I know now why few try and understand such things and simply live their life without questioning. To step outside of mortality is to step outside of passion, joy, pain, and fear. In some ways, understanding makes one leave emotion behind. I have seen it in some philosophers and academics, and wonder if some of my passion, something I thought I really needed in my life, has been altered... become the desire for truth and knowledge. But where has love gone? Has it faded?
I stood dispassionately amid the sorrow and realised how lonely the path I have chosen truly must be.
C.
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4 comments:
my condolences for your loss Chris.
Its a strange feeling isn't it? when you have close ties to your family and yet feel kind of detached from them? I get that sopetimes too, although I wouldn't consider myself much of a philosopher.
Well at times I have been really close to them, and so I wonder if my philosophical changes have necessitated the detachment. I realise I can do both sometimes, but it is a conundrum I guess :)
Your writings are so soulful, Chris. I particularly liked your last, long paragraph. I think that I often drive myself crazy by questioning too much -- can't I just go with the flow and accept? But I just can't. It's not in me.
I have tried to go with the flow at times, and I have even accepted once... when I thought I should have. But while I can be content with somethings, the deeper issues will always plague me, so to speak.
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