Toward the Precipice

I think I should have posted this sooner than the other new entries, but... I had forgotten, and trust me, I'm not thinking of jumping, most of the time, lol. Just a little meditation on the abyss, so to speak.

Have you ever stood upon the edge... waiting to take that deep breath before the plunge? What do you see when you are at that edge... who do you see? What faces do you remember as you stare into that deep abyss, knowing what might soon consume you? Do you see the loves, the lovers, the hopes and dreams of worlds so recent and so recently forgotten? Do you see the sadness of those worlds, the agony of suffering? Do you see the suffering of others... do you even care? You know you are about to take that breath, stare into it all. You see it... see them waiting, calling to you. Or are they calling... waving you off? Again, do you care? It is your suffering after all. You know them, but do they know you? They think you do not have the will, the desire, the heart... they do not know the depth of your spirit. How can they? Are they you? Are they standing upon the precipice with you?

Should you take that plunge even though what you leave behind is shattered, or should you take it with you, hoping to repair it along the way? Yet... you cannot. You are too busy enjoying the sensation of free fall, waiting to see what awaits within. Do you care about anything but the flight of fancy? Do you know anything but the delicious rush of pure ecstasy? Do you even want to see the world around you? All that matters is the high... the jump, the deep breath that awaits. The problem is, of course, what is left behind. Who do you leave when you drop into that perilous though delightful dark of wanton abandon? Who knows what you feel in the end?

I know the end, you see. I have seen the deep of dark within the spirit... I see you all in your lives, hoping for something else, something greater even. The problem, alas, is the abyss. You cannot run from it, cannot go around it... once you stare into it... you have to face it. The plunge might be exciting. It often can be. Perhaps even... sensual to a degree. The sudden stop, though, when everything falters and flails, when all comes tumbling down... cannot be ignored. We must all face it, all of us, for we all drop into the abyss, sometimes far more than we would like. Do it enough, and you never come back... my brother did not. I nearly failed... twice. Others, they have their own stories of oblivion to carry with them.

I stand again. The wind, so cool upon my face. I feel the weight behind me, pressing me closer to the edge. I almost embrace it, for I have been in this place before and fear it yet again. What to do... What to do?

I can hope... but hope seems to have no more place in my world. It stares back into me, Nietzsche's words howling in my skull. What choice do I have? What choice do we ever have? I could tell you all everything... I could, but you have to listen with a new heart, as do I. At least I have the dreamy sensation of the plunge, the beauty of interminable bliss without and within. It is my respite before I live in the moment of my sins...

I have stared too long. And yet... I wonder if they see it? I wonder if you see it? But is it enough? Is it worth the fall? Can you hang on to one simple thought in the embrace of the dark? Will our own abyss let us this time? I have no easy answers. If I did, I doubt I would be standing upon the edge, leaning out upon the precipice, waiting to take that deep breath...

C.