This Long Road

I have rarely referenced my blog title... it has been referenced in another post on another blog. It is not that I am truly referencing that entry she wrote, but well, thinking about my long road recently, and the future I face and am facing. The days slip by, and what was is further removed, and more and more I perhaps seem weaker and weaker on the days that just hurt, and not even days, just odd, simple moments of... 'huh, wow, I didn't think of that' like today when I wandered into the store where I bought a ring for her, well, the ring I guess. Sometimes, I wake up and think I should tell her something neat or odd or dorky and reach for the phone... instead, I let it sit because I must, what I want to say often waits and I sometimes forget... the thing is I am her truest friend (and mine as well, no matter what has happened, some great hopes are worth clinging to, this is one :) and I feel a little uncomfortable, nervous, and awkward as if I am cutting into her time. She never says it, but I think I sometimes feel it... not like when we had to (and sometimes I had to) pry each other off the phone... now, it's me... go figure.

I think of the changes of the last couple of weeks... I know I have gone from sounding desperate (most of the time) to resigned to accepting, though the acceptance still breaks my heart more than I would like. I wish that part could change. I know that she has changed, is changing, and this is all well... I have as well. At first, I thought it was regression (and some of it might have been, perhaps even understandably so) but now, I understand so much more about the nature of love and even my own heart. Indeed, I can say I love her even more than ever now, irony of ironies. My love, while still romantic (and that would be hard to change about my nature, and I would sooner not love than lose that part of me) is the culmination of what I always wanted it to be... a higher, deeper love that can transcend the pain, the kind of love that inspires and has inspired, especially from some of my writings of the past week. For that part, I am eternally grateful. When I see her next, it would be my fondest wish for her to see this light she helped create and know what her love and my love has done for me. We have argued about taking each other back, so to speak (me wanting and her against it of course) but I realize it is false to ask in the first place. To go back to how it was is to deny the evolution of the spirit. But to move forward together, if that were possible somewhere along this long road, means taking what was so good about our lives before and uniting it with the spirit of what we have learned and what lay ahead... Perhaps that is too idealistic and naive... well, what kind of hopeless romantic would I be if I weren't idealistic? :)

In all this, I know she understands the honor in my heart I have for her and how she has honored me by simply enriching my life. Her mere presence enriches me. Maybe I am a foolish throwback to another time, but I think love, when it is honored so, can never escape a person. It is a blessing that helps calm me even in my sorrow as I continue to face this long road.

C.