The Gulf Betwixt Our Hearts... For Now

Even while compiling my series of blog posts/essays in order to deaden some of what I lost, in order to feel whole again... and just to write because I need to, my mind and heart drifts, whether I want it to or not. She tells me she feels the same about me, with one unique difference, one that still hurts, and I know it hurts her. It has created a gulf in my heart for now, and has strained my affection for her, and fear it will strain our friendship. I know that she does not want to lose that, and does not feel she has (and for my part, I do not want that either). Still, I think we are both conflicted, though not in the ways she might guess. She loves us both, but not in the same ways, not with the same heart, but the mind and heart have difficulty reconciling some of the little details. Of course, this is only what I can see, and I admit with a little blinders as well. On the other hand, she is my best friend regardless, and I am concerned for her, even if it might be misplaced and perhaps colored by my love for her. I do want the best, truly I do... right now, I know I am not the best for her... the thing is, I once was, and it digs at a man, into the core of their being, especially considering how close we were/are. It is possible I am just wallowing in the mire, the scorned lover, etc... but I am also her dearest friend, though I haven't been much of one lately... if one can understand, but it still pains me that I haven't been the friend I should, especially since all she wants is to be the friend she was and will always be to me. Our bond is unique in many ways, and deeply personal which is why I am so deeply moved. That part I cannot change for now. What I can do is ease her burden, and heal what I can and promise that we will be what we can when we see each other next.

C.