I am not sure if I am going to make sense at all, but sometimes you just need to write and get it all out there, and I promised myself, if I did, then I would hold nothing back... some of this is simply an exercise in writing, a little is what has needed to be said for awhile, the rest is meandering nonsense... which, to be fair, is pretty normal for me.
This past weekend has been a blur, and while it is now Tuesday, my brain is still spinning from having to do so much for really so little a show. Of course, being tragically understaffed except in my department was the critical factor, and without the help I had I might have been more insane. Lucky me, I only went half mad. In truth, things at the show could have gone much worse, and many, many folks had an awesome time, more than did not. Even the fine folks that worked for me had a fantastic time, but I am sure some of that has to be how easy I was to work for, lol (and the bribes in alcohol). Still, I had moments of awesome mixed with a bit of stress, usually trying to fix things that were not thought about, or at least forgotten by others. Silly me and my memory. In truth, I sensed what would occur... knew it. I have excellent instincts, though I rarely listen to them because I am too trusting of others, and often afraid of giving in to my instincts. Just as well, because there were a few smart-asses I wanted to murder, sooo... instead I remained my usual restrained, congenial and courteous self, treating the staff, con-goers and guests with all the dignity and grace I could muster, which must have been a lot. The thing is, as much as I may want to give in, I have to be the man I was meant to be lest I destroy the best part of myself. I know in so many ways I am a product of another time and I constantly have to live with the consequences of the nature of my heart. It served me well to a degree this past weekend and over the past couple of months while away. And yes, I think about all the possibilities... all of them. Sometimes, it feels as if I have stepped into one of my stories and live, if for a moment, an alternate life. Other times, a memory steps in, takes hold, and leaves me breathless. In the end, my nature forces me to alleviate the pressure the only way I know how: boring the crap out of my readers, lol.
I do offer a caveat, some of what I am doing can be construed as whining/complaining, and if that is how you see it, certainly you are entitled to think in whatever manner seems essential to you. I only put the words to page and let the world decide, for it must. The rest is mere semantics. I have written for the sake of others and for myself. Now, I seem to only write for whatever is left in the depth of my heart. It is hard to come back from such depths when you understand the truth in your soul, when you understand you cannot go back to a previous journey. All you have is the one in front of you. No magic time machines... no alternate realities (even if it might make good fiction), only dreams of a dream that fade in quiet of the night, the wolf nipping at your heels. I felt it more and more throughout the last holiday and will feel it again as the current one approaches. If you knew what I had known, perhaps you will understand. The currents that flow from the edge of time through the truth of my soul cannot forget... nor should it. Yes, it waits in places that I push away when the memory returns, or when I want to feel again. And yet, it dominates my instincts I think, further showing how much of a fool I really am. Of course, I understand completely the nature of my foolishness, so shame on me in that regard.
I can only offer who I am to the burning heart of the cosmos... I can only offer my words to ease any suffering in the cradle of time. I know the truth of what I see and can only give this. For all the wandering across the sea, for all the travels and travails, this is what I understand. I will give everything in this understanding of us all. If it means I remain a bit out of place in time, if I must continue to treat people with the dignity I think they deserve (whether they actually deserve it or not), then so be it. I would do so until the stars burns cold...
As a species, we can be so much more than contained within Sagan's 'pale blue dot'... I suppose I can only do my part one life at a time.
C.
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