All the Best Holiday Wishes...

For most of us, and for almost all the people I know, the day approaches (and for some in other parts of the world, it has already arrived :) and the world seems to take a step back. Our overwhelming concerns and worry ease if but for a moment, and we can celebrate this day in whatever manner befits our hearts, whether it is the joy of seeing the ones we care about tear into their new gifts, the excitement of seeing old friends and family (or new ones for that matter), or simply relaxing with good company and having a fine holiday meal. Many of us perhaps enjoy all three. In many ways I am blessed in that regard, and my hope is that you are blessed in such a manner as well. Of course, I would wish such a thing any time of the year, for how we feel during the holidays certainly can carry over into our daily lives and into the next year. The world can be a terrible, cruel place, and what we take with us during this time can give us a little comfort and solace in the face of the trials and travails of the coming year. 

The holiday allows us to reflect, to renew, to understand, and to hope. It reminds us that we can set aside all grief and pain and seek only fellowship and peace. Admitedly, I am hardly being realistic, but if any time of the year has a place for idealism, this would be such a time. Besides, we can all use a little more hope in our lives, especially now. To that end, my ideal gift to all of you is my fond hope for you and yours during the holiday and for the upcoming year. May it be fruitful and blessed in all things, and may the light of the universe shine brightly in your hearts and in all that you do.

Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year :)

Chris

Cheese

One of my favorite quotes is G.K Chesterton's comment about poetry and cheese: 'Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.' Well, I am breaking my silence on this matter this morning after thinking of the many moments when I would be quietly getting a piece of cheese out of the 'fridge when all of a sudden Merry (a very small shi tzu/ schnauser combination) is right next to me waiting for her share of the goodness. For being basically brain-dead (she barks at everything, even me), she is awful clever about food :)

'Cheese'

swiss cheddar
gouda brie pepper jack too
little growl tail wagging
waiting for a bite
grated unwrapped block
sliced matters not
always knows ready to beg
little growl tail wagging
so cute
provolone shredded deli
style too
smiling laughing antics
so many times
swiss cheddar
little growl tail wagging
off with her prize...
dogs and cheese
who knew?

C.

Solace of Love

I actually wrote an entry called 'Solace' a long while back, but it was more a question than the subject here, the idea of solace within love, which is certainly an ideal to seek for, and what love usually brings, or can bring if we are willing to let it.  So, I just put a few words regarding the subject down and then went from there... sort of how it works with me.

'Solace of Love'

I long for your solace...

Gentle thoughts of unending days
Memories fresh in glorious repose
A tender caress eases so many
Aches of a weary heart.

I yearn for your comfort...

Quiet calm in the deep of night
Time lingering between seconds
Yielding to an enfolding desire
Union in depths unbound.

I wait for your touch...

Elegant splendor amid the joy of 'morn
Moments beyond a cradle of stars
Rest embracing all existence
Manifest in this light of the soul.

I long for the solace of your love...

C.

Erratic Errata From the Past Couple of Months...

I am not sure if I am going to make sense at all, but sometimes you just need to write and get it all out there, and I promised myself, if I did, then I would hold nothing back... some of this is simply an exercise in writing, a little is what has needed to be said for awhile, the rest is meandering nonsense... which, to be fair, is pretty normal for me.

This past weekend has been a blur, and while it is now Tuesday, my brain is still spinning from having to do so much for really so little a show.  Of course, being tragically understaffed except in my department was the critical factor, and without the help I had I might have been more insane. Lucky me, I only went half mad.  In truth, things at the show could have gone much worse, and many, many folks had an awesome time, more than did not.  Even the fine folks that worked for me had a fantastic time, but I am sure some of that has to be how easy I was to work for, lol (and the bribes in alcohol).  Still, I had moments of awesome mixed with a bit of stress, usually trying to fix things that were not thought about, or at least forgotten by others.  Silly me and my memory.  In truth, I sensed what would occur... knew it.  I have excellent instincts, though I rarely listen to them because I am too trusting of others, and often afraid of giving in to my instincts.  Just as well, because there were a few smart-asses I wanted to murder, sooo... instead I remained my usual restrained, congenial and courteous self, treating the staff, con-goers and guests with all the dignity and grace I could muster, which must have been a lot.  The thing is, as much as I may want to give in, I have to be the man I was meant to be lest I destroy the best part of myself.  I know in so many ways I am a product of another time and I constantly have to live with the consequences of the nature of my heart.  It served me well to a degree this past weekend and over the past couple of months while away.  And yes, I think about all the possibilities... all of them.  Sometimes, it feels as if I have stepped into one of my stories and live, if for a moment, an alternate life.  Other times, a memory steps in, takes hold, and leaves me breathless.  In the end, my nature forces me to alleviate the pressure the only way I know how: boring the crap out of my readers, lol.  

I do offer a caveat, some of what I am doing can be construed as whining/complaining, and if that is how you see it, certainly you are entitled to think in whatever manner seems essential to you.  I only put the words to page and let the world decide, for it must.  The rest is mere semantics.  I have written for the sake of others and for myself.  Now, I seem to only write for whatever is left in the depth of my heart.  It is hard to come back from such depths when you understand the truth in your soul, when you understand you cannot go back to a previous journey.  All you have is the one in front of you.  No magic time machines... no alternate realities (even if it might make good fiction), only dreams of a dream that fade in quiet of the night, the wolf nipping at your heels.  I felt it more and more throughout the last holiday and will feel it again as the current one approaches.  If you knew what I had known, perhaps you will understand.  The currents that flow from the edge of time through the truth of my soul cannot forget... nor should it.  Yes, it waits in places that I push away when the memory returns, or when I want to feel again.  And yet, it dominates my instincts I think, further showing how much of a fool I really am.  Of course, I understand completely the nature of my foolishness, so shame on me in that regard.  

I can only offer who I am to the burning heart of the cosmos... I can only offer my words to ease any suffering in the cradle of time.  I know the truth of what I see and can only give this.  For all the wandering across the sea, for all the travels and travails, this is what I understand.  I will give everything in this understanding of us all.  If it means I remain a bit out of place in time, if I must continue to treat people with the dignity I think they deserve (whether they actually deserve it or not), then so be it.  I would do so until the stars burns cold... 

As a species, we can be so much more than contained within Sagan's 'pale blue dot'... I suppose I can only do my part one life at a time.

C.

The Holiday Season...

It is possible I posted something about this before... maybe a couple of years back... anyway, prolly bears repeating :)

I have never been one to get into the 'spirit' of the Holidays. In general, I feel if a person is going to evoke the holiday 'spirit', then they should do so year round rather than be hypocritical for a month or so. I would like to think I am the same kind and generous person year round. Admittedly, I sort of have to, being in the anime convention business. One might argue being the type of person I am is not necessary, but I digress for personality does go a long way in garnering repeat business and happy customers. I have seen many a vendor and exhibitor treat their customers with disdain and disrespect and it invariably comes back to haunt them. I have seen vendors (even my employer) become too greedy and have watched it come crashing down when they least wanted to do so. Of course, I am not intimating I am beyond reproach, for sadly, I fall prey to our less decent instincts instead of heading the better angels of our natures, so to speak. Most of the time, though, I think I treat people and customers with a decency and civility that is often lost these days, except for perhaps one month out of the year. I also say this in regard to the United States, not necessarily my experience abroad, at least abroad recently. Perhaps the kindness, generosity and hospitality that was accorded me in New Zealand was atypical, but from what I have heard from other travelers and visitors (and the residents of the islands in general), my experience was fairly typical. That being so, I see how far we have fallen and may yet have to go. I can only attempt to return that kindness and hospitality in what I do, and while I have done so in the past, I see clearly how much further I must travel in that regard. This is well, for we all need to see such ends in whatever path is laid before us. Now, as Yulecon approaches, I am cast in a more unfamiliar role, handling the registration and convention sales booth and not our own vendors room booth. Still, I hope I can continue to evoke that same spirit I try and cultivate at every show I work as a vendor. It can be a struggle, but a smile and a kind word can go further than you might imagine. I saw this so often it became commonplace, so much so that I was surprised when I did not see it at home. At the last convention (Izumicon), I was even surprised at people's reactions when I offered my own kind words to others (while still remaining capitalistic :) Really, I should not have. Deep down, I know. We want to be made to feel special, if but for a moment, or perhaps a season. I simply want others to feel special any time of the year. In general, we probably deserve it, regardless of our sins. Again, to lead with the holiday spirit, this is probably a time to forgive all those sins anyways... even if we may not the remaining eleven months of the year. I suppose it is a start.

C.

Company of Your Heart

Switching gears, I wrote this almost immediately after the previous poem, perhaps my subconscious recognizing I might still have a little of the romantic left... or what can pass for hope in my constant waking dreams. This is also a little different from a stylistic point of view, reverting to a more traditional... sonnet, one might even say, though I would digress. I was simply thinking, or in this case, writing aloud.

'Company of Your Heart'

I ask for nothing save the company of your heart,
Giving all I must in return.
I seek only we do not remain apart,
Discarding the burden of expectations and pride.

You reveal so much more than I know,
Reaching through an instant of time.
You bespeak wonder burning within the soul,
Aching in the shadows of furtive dreams.

I yearn for but the tenderness of your grace,
Enraptured amid such a passionate respite.
I seek the enduring comfort of your sweet face,
Ending finally the storms of my regrets.

I ask for nothing save the company of your heart...

C.

Memories of Distant Roads

I suppose it must be easy, considering my past, to try and read into what I write... hell, I do it. The following poem was sort of an exercise in writing, though I did feel a sense of sadness and regret as I let the words escape me. The subconscious can be a powerful motivator, and it often has more to say than I do at times. Often times, though, I still do not know what I am saying, only that I have to say it... or write it, as it were.

'Memories of Distant Roads'

Your heart...
Tho' I may never see
Such indelible beauty
Revealed in the fullness of your light.
I know...
What may one day be required
For the sake of memory
Adrift upon a darkening shore.
We see...
Eye to eye even in the
Harsh glare of today
Hope tempered by who we must be.
I understand...
Sorrow must eventually fade
For the sake of yearning
Cast upon the embers of love.
My heart...
One you might never reach
Across this gulf of moments
Lost in a waking dream.
We know... we knew.

C.

Some thoughts and other thoughts...

Still dog-tired, so do forgive any of my sleep-deprived errors:

Sometimes you need to get some of this down in case you miss it, and then morning comes and you completely forget what you intended to write. So, this is what I use my blog for, a reminder of what I am supposed to be writing and or fomenting in my sometimes enigmatic and oft times demented mind :) I do have a lot to say and to write, some of which has been written already and just needs to be transcribed to electronic format. Much of it still waits to be written, in one format or another, in one project or another, though I will continue to use my blog as a test-bed of a sort for what I will be doing in the future. The past two months have taught me a lot about myself and others, about self-reliance, charity, decency, love, sadness, warmth, tenderness, worry... and the lack thereof. Maybe even more... Of course, conceptually, I knew these things, but to see them put into practice in so brief a time was humbling and challenging all at once. I spent time alone in the wilderness contemplating the thoughts of the universe itself, and would then be laid low in the grace of a simple smile. Finally, you stop wondering why a person was placed into your life, no matter how brief a time and however strange the situation... and you accept it. You become more grateful than you thought possible (unless you happen to be a sick bastard, and those people exist, sadly) and that is well...

I am still formulating many of my ideas, thoughts, chapters, essays, etc... and every time I think about what I want to do all I can do is smile at how blessed I have been. Even when I felt at my worst, someone would tell me 'hey, it's ok... it'll all work out'. Always... and you know what... it has, most times in the most unexpected of ways (here is where I thank the State department of all groups :) And that too is well...

So, more to come, more to write and more to say... after the jet lag settles.

C.

Finally Home...

Well, I'm home, so to speak after a grueling, though interesting journey back to the US. I will update and expand as I can, but right now... I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for a week... :)

Take care and see ya soon,

C.

On the Way Back...

Just a quick update... finally headed back to the North Island, crossing tonight to Wellington, then a bus to Auckland and home on the 11th... a short, though long journey and some good adventuring... I will be writing much of it down once I can get to a computer I don't have to pay by the hour to use :) One nice perk of home...

C.

My Apologies...

I had been doing some writing but not really updating and therefore my apologies in this regard. Also, my Internet time has been limited and so I had to ignore blogging in favor of making sure I could get certain emails. Such is the way of things. Still, once I return home, I will do some updating and begin working on another writing project regarding my own travel experiences here in New Zealand and other roads I have traveled... whether forgiven or not (sorry, little joke regarding one of my poems :) In any event, I shall do more soon and try and add some of the pieces I have written in the past week or so as I can. Until then...

C.

Open Mic Night in Golden Bay

Well, thought I would have a quiet night waiting for the rain to clear before I moved on. Instead, I stumbled upon a pub that was having an open mic jam session, so with the help of some kind folks from the hostel, I did some readings from some of my newer works and from my second book. Thankfully, I had some background music to help out and make me feel a little less overwhelmed (it was actually a decent sized crowd for a very small town). In all, I think it turned out ok and helped a tough day end well. In any event, it had been a long time since I had done something like that, so... all was good.

C.

Upon Queenstown Hill

This particular poem was inspired by the starkness of the water and mountain views from atop Queenstown hill, about 2000 feet or so above the town... staggering really.

'Upon Queenstown Hill'

A singular instant of such a radiant dawn
Seeks to ease a tempestuous burden
Fraught by an unending, unyielding gulf
'Betwixt the realm of the heart and soul.

The majestic serenity of sweeping hills
Knows the fire kindling within
Held fast through this quiet struggle
Amid a glance from waters beyond icy blue.

Tomorrows fade upon a far green shore
Waiting as this world races the night
Dreams escape a hope of fragile memory
Under the breath of a forgotten lament.

C.

Midnight's End

Again, as I have mentioned before... sometimes there are poems you wish you did not have to write, though some of them can be a little hopeful. To a degree, this is one.

'Midnight's End'

Dream with me...

Though tides and time hold us at bay
Reach into the moment within,
Live in the moment without,
Feel my call beyond the breath of midnight's lost.

Speak with me...

E'enn if ten thousand leagues stand in our paths
Seek this gentle movement,
Trust this tender soul,
Listen to my heart enveloped in the warmth of dawn.

Wait for me...

Though I wander the currents of tide and time
Hope in this veil of twilight,
Yearn in this wonder revealed,
Wrapped within the memory of the night.

C.

In Queenstown

Wow, I'm surprised it has been a week since I updated, but it has been a strange one, especially wandering the streets of Christchurch and Dunedin, but after the strangeness there (I will have to put to page when I have better Internet access), I have journeyed to the mountain refuge of Queenstown and its wonderful environs... expensive, except for the beer, go figure. Think of Aspen but with a much, much younger crowd, lol. In any event, should be here for the weekend then off to further up the West Coast...

C.

Addendum...

Actually, as it turns out I am going to Christchurch instead of the Golden Bay region... costs me less to travel there than Nelson, so yay economics, and it gets me further south, which is my ultimate goal anyways...

C.

Wellington and the South Island...

After a series of mishaps, I have finally had a chance to get a post up that might not have been two sentences. After some money going missing, I had to bring my rental back to Auckland and then limp my way to Wellington, though I chose an interesting route: hitchiking, which is sort of a badge of honor in New Zealand... they don't care much for begging, but hitchiking is sort of an exception to the rule, soically acceptable begging if you will. I mean, if I walked up to someone on the street and asked for a few bucks to go to Wellington by bus, then I would get some disdainful looks. Instead, I stuck a thumb out and off I was. And my first experiences hitchiking were much better than Arthur Dent's (and I admit the planet was not getting blown up... yet), so I cannot complain at all.

So, I wound up in Wellington and tried to get re-sorted out, which I did, and enjoyed the hospitality of 'Windy Welly' and the unseasonably fine weather for two days, though today is turning a little sour. Not much I can do about that (though I have been accused of being something of a weather god, bringing sunshine to Wellington for 2 straight days :) and I will be disappointed if the views are obscured as I head to the South Island and points west and south, likely the Marbolough Sounds and the Golden Bay region. Of course, I could wind up elsewhere, but we will see. Regardless, should be an adventure, as if it had not been already...

'Til next time,
C.

In the Art Deco City...

Well, I have settled in to Napier for a couple of days, otherwise known as the Art Deco City because of it having to be rebuilt after an earthquake in the 30's. From what I saw last night, very nice, but hope to get some more sightseeing done today, then perhaps off tomorrow or here for another day. Have not decided yet, but that is one nice thing about all this. I really don't have to decide :) Hope everyone is having a great weekend and will have a great week.

C.

The Cape

I promised I would have something more substantial about my journey to Cape Reigna...

Sometimes there are poems you wish you never had to write. In the deepest part of my heart, I feel this is one of them. While necessary and a bit liberating, it still was tough, and I hope those that read this do understand. Regardless, I do think the piece puts some issues finally to rest, and given the light of recent events... it had to be done. Anyway, I hope I have done some justice to my heart and for the future in this regard. The rest, dear reader, is for you and the world to decide...

'The Cape'

Toward this end a world awaits,
Fading in vacant thoughts of quiet days.
Words dissolve in nascent twilight,
Within a heart that cannot stay.

From a tender hope a moment falls,
Into a realm devoid of waking dreams.
Longing drifts upon her silent tides,
Amidst a heart that might have been.

Her waters caress a distant end,
Beyond her shore this memory weeps.
Our words dissolve in fading twilight,
Beneath her shore this promise sleeps.

C.

The Cape and Bay of Islands

I should have some more later regarding my visit to Cape Reigna, truly a visit to the end of the world, at least that is how it felt... empty and wonderful all at once, and really a perfect day for it. Some other thoughts and ideas crept in regarding the Cape and I still have not sorted it out. Later in the day, I stopped in Paihia and the Bay of Islands and have settled there for a couple of days. Quite amazing natural scenery and a really quaint town(s), though I hear it becomes rather touristy in the summer. In any event, just a quick update before I head off to Russell, which is one of the older settlements in NZ, and has something of a history as a hard-drinking whaling town.

'Til next time,
C.