One Last Thing Before I Go...

Technically, I do not even leave the city until Friday morning, but I have to spend Thursday tidying up some issues regarding work and will not have good Internet access until I get to my sister's on Friday night. From there, I spend a couple of days with her in LA and I get on a plane Sunday night for a twelve hour sojourn that will put me in Auckland very early on the 16th, meaning I lose a day of my trip already. Such are the travails of crossing the international dateline. And while I will use the Internet on my trip, my main goal will be to use it to update anyone who wants to know if I am alive or have been mauled in a tragic sheep farm accident. I suspect the latter example might be a bit extreme, but one never knows... I hear sheep rule the country with an iron fist... or hoof, or something.

Some might feel it is convenient I am skipping town just as many of my friends are having to endure the brunt of a hurricane bearing down on them, most of you know I did not exactly use my crystal ball to foretell this scenario... hell, if I could see the future, well, probably best not to delve into such things. I understand many of you have a lot on your mind, and I suppose it is par for the course on my end. Regardless, I am leaving and while I might wish to quote 'LA Story' here and reference weather and life-changing and all that... such stories are for another time and for no one that wants to remember save this old fool, and then only peripherally.

Many of you might wonder why I am doing this. Others do not have to. Some may not care. Well, aside from concern, the only feelings in this that should matter are mine. To that end, I must apologize. If I am impractical, regardless of me going out and taking what I want, then so be it. If I am unsettled and unable to cope with certain things, then you truly do not know me. I have been practical, I have settled, and I do have coping mechanisms. Some of you knew me when I was married and mostly settled, others knew me as a wanderer abroad, and some met me later while I was still trying to regain what the world had stolen from me. I was willing to give and to settle once again, and gave until I could no more. And yet... it was not enough.

Therefore, I simply go because I must and because it is the right thing for me to do. It may not be right in the eyes of some, maybe even some wiser than I. All that is pointless. It is right for me... Do I have some regrets? A little... but no doubts this time. For me, the path is clear. I have no idea what awaits, but I am fine with the mystery. Story of my life anyways :)

In the end, you should all know I am not running, not even from myself. I am well past that... I am beyond so much I have difficulty explaining it. I have tried in previous installments and entries and I hope I can offer a glimmer of understanding for all of us, really. Maybe more of that understanding waits for me. Or, perhaps just a little peace... I know I have earned that at least.

So, for all our journeys, present and future, I offer an old Egyptian blessing: May God stand between you and harm in all the empty places where you must walk.

C.

Gonna miss this...

I finally made it in from Realms Con, and it was far better than expected, in a lot of ways. From the usual money point of view, we did pretty good, about 40 percent better than last year, but we had half the dealers and slightly more attendees. A good formula for success, I think. At first, I was a little skeptical (especially when the IkkiCon staff decided to crash in my room), but things turned out fine, especially when we settled on the costs of alcohol and how much we needed. In short, most of my staff/dealer/actor friends I have known over the years (and a few new ones) decided to throw a couple of parties and help send me off to NZ right. Of course, the parties happened to start in my room and strangely, both nights ended with a lot of excellent stir fry. In the end, I had a marvelous time and am going to miss them all... really, it's going to make leaving all the tougher.

But, they understand what I have to do... it's just time. So, all I can tell them is to expect me when you see me, more mysterious that way anyways :)

Now, to do a lot of packing.

C.

Walking the Long Road

Just an aside: I know this is the title of my blog, but nothing else seemed appropriate :)

The path we walk is lined with the voices of the distant past, our own past, the present, and a future which is always concealed until it merges with the present. Those voices are the words of time itself. They are the rocks we stop and pick up and examine along the way, a seashell that might be more enduring than another, a glint of starlight dancing upon calm waters, or the gentle calling of the wind from a distant, verdant shore. As we walk, we can choose to leave our own words for time to hear, for the posterity of those that might decide to pick you up one day and see how extraordinary you were to generations hence. Our legacy is not the visceral monuments of our arrogance and perceived greatness, but in what we carry with us... what is unique in all of us.

I have walked a longer road than some, and taking into account so many lives lost to the sea, to time, to darkness and to light, well, I think I am closer to its end. While it is true I still have much to learn, and I think of the humility of Sir Isaac Newton in that regard, I have seen enough to understand how little I really understand. Even in recent epiphanies and discourses of enlightenment, so much remains unanswered. This is well, though. The true mysteries await... out there. Another journey once I have reached my rest at the end of this long road. Perhaps I do understand one truth, though. When that new journey calls, I am ready. For all the pain, the hurt, the highs, the lows, the anger, the suffering, the love, the passion, the sheer beauty and delight this world has offered and given me, and for all I may lack in real wisdom... one day, it will be time. Few of us, I think, ever come to such an accord. While it grants me some peace in many things, I do have a ways to go in certain matters. But maybe that is what I must learn when I finally see what awaits beyond the heart of creation itself.

I have no idea where this sense of... peace, I guess, especially in light of many recent events, came from, and why I had to write this now. I admit, I have thought about this, seen some of it in moments of... self-transcendence, for lack of a better word, from time to time. I certainly see it in the words I have given to myself and others, and I feel it in so many places, some still hidden, others concealed... again, part of the beautiful process. So much has been revealed, how can I not embrace the eternal in all of us? The truth... the truth differs for each one of us, of course, but it is still the truth that waits. It waits at the end of all our long roads.

So, if this is my legacy... I think I can accept it.

C.

Complete

What makes a person whole?
Something deep within the quiet of the soul?
Who can make this person a complete being?
Can anyone?
Are any answers good enough?
I think... my answers have some meaning, but fail now and then
I am a frail, flawed human man.
I love completely yet fear its loss... I want no condition
And yet,
I hurt... the definition of expectation
The hurt comes and goes... ideally,
I am more on the other side, near the rest of the shade of trees
pragmatically, I drift near such a perfect shore
The water that sometimes does not know it has been broken
By the rock...
Can anyone truly be complete in the face of their struggles?
Do we actually have the wisdom?
We all need the spark, the light of the soul...
We cannot do it alone
The idea does not make me whole... no, not at all.
She and the idea are one.
But, I think I can rest for awhile, near the edge of a
Midnight sea under the shade of trees overlooking
A perfect shore.

Ideally, of course :) But we don't live in an ideal world... still, I do so because it is the right thing... it has always been so... I can live with that... of course, the raw truth of it is that I have always lived with it. My idea and the person are one, so I always live with it, no matter where they go, or have gone, or what road I travel... I remember for both of us, for all of us... that way, the universe remembers and loves... and that, well... is worth living with :)

C.